New Years

I have no idea what day it is. I’m living primarily off cheese and leftovers; the house is a pile of cardboard boxes, wrapping paper, and half-made Lego projects, at least 421 tiny pieces scattered around them. The kids flux between playing harmoniously with their new toys to almost murdering each other over whose turn it is with the light saber or ninja turtles. If you’ve watched The Good Place – set in a hilarious Ted Danson-led afterlife – they explain that there, time isn’t linear (a straight line), it moves more in the form of Jeremy Beremy  (written in cursive and full of loops and turns and backtracking). That’s how this week always feels to me. Jeremy Beremy. All kinds of loops and circles and trains of thoughts that get lost along the way but it doesn’t really matter because it’ll round back eventually.

However. I do love the energy of January.

De-cluttering.

Organizing.

Re-focusing.

Grounding.

 But this year, I’ve read so many posts and memes and such, encouraging people to not start off the New Year in high-pressure mode, already tensed up, already telling yourself you’re not good enough. That you need to be better. That you need to do and be differently for next year to be good. A never-ending cycle of never being satisfied (yes you should be singing Hamilton now).

I find myself waffling back and forth between which way to feel inspired. They are such different approaches to the new year that it feels like it’s one or the other.

I’m the type to nod enthusiastically as I scratch out new years goals and intentions in my fresh notebook. Saying I’ll start simple and filling the whole page with ideas and dreams and hopes and ways I want to do more or differently. I make my hubby sit beside me and talk about his goals and hopes. I make a list a mile long of things we’ve been ignoring the last few weeks…or months. Knowing what we need to become more disciplined about. Vowing to not put off the procrastinated tasks. Feeling fresh and ready to start a new year. I love lists. January just begs to make new, beautiful, lofty, idealistic lists.

On the other hand, as someone who runs a bit anxious, the idea of not starting a new year off with intense pressure is interesting, intriguing. Saying no to the not-enoughness. I am a good mom. I do work hard. If my body has changed and isn’t perfect, shouldn’t I still love it? I also remember taking a leadership class from one of my favorite people, who reminded us that we often get too caught up in busyness to look up and simply connect with the world around us. Michelle Obama talked about it in her book too… realizing we don’t have to wear Busy like a Badge of Honor. Filling the schedule less. Knowing that we are enough. As is.  

How does one harness the energy of a new year while also loosening the grip on “something better?”

For Christmas, Bria gave me a bracelet that says “Stay in the fight.” My brother told me it’s something actual soldiers have as a phrase, but she got it because we’ve been fighting to keep our beloved school open, which….talk about pressure and stress but deep-rooted passion. Another friend gave me one of those loki bracelets with circles that increase then decrease in size on each bead – which you can follow for breathing meditatively. On one side there’s water from Mount Everest and on the other, mud from the Dead Sea. This is to remind one of balance – the highest height and grounding down to the earth. It seems so simple, but it’s a constant battle for me to learn that balance.  Both of these bracelets I wear on a wrist; they remind me to focus on little breaths and big perspective. A tiny bit higher on my arm is my tattoo which represents my babies and hubby in the form of nature. It’s a small space of me, but from my wrist to my elbow – it all fits. What matters, it’s all there.  

Anyway, all that to say…  I haven’t figured it out.

 Maybe that’s my New Years goal.

Yes: I want to be a present mom, an available mom, a loving mom. I want to be strong and healthy. I want to foster the creativity in me, find ways to water it so it will grow like a vine through my days. I want to stand up for what I believe in, and be a voice for those who don’t have one. I want to learn more. I want to show up with my hubby – make time for each other away from the small rectangular screens in our palms. I want to create adventures and ground down and find calm.

Perhaps in 2024, that means I will simply be hopeful and curious. Hopeful that I can find moments of understanding and energy in each of these important areas of life. Curious to learn how to balance productivity and presence.  

Is it possible? To write a list, scatter your intentions on paper but find a way to not clench it in your hand so tight that it becomes ruined, deforming the positive thoughts that made their way onto the page in the first place.

It’s certainly not something I’m used to doing. I’m not sure what it looks like. But in this non-linear time of Jeremy Beremy, I also don’t know day of the week it is, so maybe that’s just fine.

My guess is that, like most of life, it’s that matter of balance. Maybe one day, I will learn the art of walking a line between grounding and growth, acceptance and striving, and holding your hand against your heart to feel that tiny beat within while looking up at an infinite sky. As my counselor tells me, “Sit with that. See what it feels like.”

…..In the meantime, while pondering All The Things, I’m off to eat more cheese and maybe finish some Legos. You know,….balance.

Happy New Year, friends. May you find intention and grace within yourself this coming year!